It's been a few months, since I've been in a relationship, some of my friends don't really care one way or another and just let me be. But I have a few friends that make me feel almost bad for not being in a relationship, or maybe they're bored and want a project..lol


I've been dating lately. Most of them were cool and some I could see as friendship potential which is always great. Actually one has become a realy close friend, and now I think he's just dorky in a good friend way, rather than cute like I thought before, odd how that happens. Which is kewl I prefer making friendships than, just giving awkward glances at one another a few months down the road when we see each other at the clubs. Yes the community is that small and we will see each other again, I'll smile but feel akward.

Anyway brain is dying .. and I must go to bed work tomorrow... blaaaaah.

Today has been quite frustrating. I'm not sure if I want to keep working where I do. I'm friends with a good amount of people there and I know everone, but something inside me wants more, like I feel this isn't what I want for my life. But what what do I want, hell that I know.

I keep feeling there needs to be a book or something that tells me ok this is what you should do and then this and this and that oh and don't forget this too, very important. But yea I know that internal book should come from the inside but I'm just not feeling it inside me. I think when I was christian, I had a lot of things planned out even though I was gay, but when I accepted I wasn't christian anymore. The plan just unraveled (*sp) and it's like I have to start from scratch, trying to define myself not for others really but more for myself enough to get by with the sense I know what I believe. I still believe in a god but just not the way I used to anymore, especially the whole fear aspect of it all, that's no way to live life.

Anyway it's just been a cosmopolitan of thoughts lately. I turned 24 and I feel I need to start making some drastic changes or I could get stuck as I see a lot of other people who are my age and I just don't want that, one life and all and I don't want to be 65 and regretting so much in my life.